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Masturbation-Pine Cones-Soy-Beef-Colon-Cancer: Myths
Opinion
Barry Artiste.
Well certainly all the above would apply if say, a herd of masturbating cattle, Hence the Term "Beef Stroken-off" translated to Beef Stroganoff.
In this recent Listeria Hysteria in Canada, Soy is beginning to look as a better alternative as it is now rearing it's ugly head on the BBQ circuit.
Family Guy's "Mort Goldman" once proclaimed the benefits and non benefits of having Pine Cones shoved up his Ass. Believe it or not there are Holistics who claim it is a cancer stopper, Now how weird is that?
As for me, well I'll take my chances with a head of masturbating cattle from the local butcher. Myths be damned. If I wanted to die healthy anyway, I wouldn't smoke cigars. Soy is the spawn of the devil in my opinion.
Soy? Sorry... Tofu burgers are healthier than beef, and 8 other common health "facts" that are false
Some myths are easy to spot. Like the one about Atum, the Egyptian deity who took his divine member in hand and, after some firmament-shaking masturbation, caused life to, literally, come into existence.
Other myths, particularly those based on actual science rather than pyramid power, are a bit more difficult to identify.
And that can be dangerous when they're the very things we're counting on to keep us healthy.
Classic example: the pregame stretch. It can't prevent a pulled hamstring any more than praying to your jockstrap can.
Yet, until a few years ago, guys who weren't in the know stretched and, with blind faith in fiction, ran into an injury.
Well, we're here to show you the light — to turn your world upside down and then, like Copernicus, put a different spin on it.
All told, we debunk nine modern health myths and then show how the truth can, if not set you free, at least keep you off life's sidelines.
Myth: A high-fiber diet will prevent colon cancer Not even if you eat a pine tree, cones and all. Research published in the Journal of the National Cancer Institute showed that no matter how much fiber study subjects ate — from 10 grams a day to 27 — it did nothing to reduce their risk of recurrence of precancerous polyps.
"The fiber hypothesis dates from an old epidemiological study," says James E. Allison, M.D., a professor of medicine at the University of California at San Francisco.
"It was presumed that the shorter intestinal transit time accompanying a high-fiber diet decreased a person's exposure to potential carcinogens." Reality check: Despite the myth, keep eating a high-fiber diet (it can help lower cholesterol and prevent diabetes), but don't count on it to cancer-proof your colon.
For that, you need folic acid. Studies have shown that this B vitamin significantly lowers a man's risk of colon cancer, with research from Louisiana State University linking it to a 60 percent reduction.
If your multivitamin (or cereal) doesn't contain at least 400 micrograms of folic acid, buy one that does.
Myth: A soy burger is healthier than a beef burger Here's the problem: Soy, in all its forms, contains phytoestrogens — that is, plant estrogens.
And while having some of the female hormone in our bodies is okay, and even normal, having high amounts of the plant version isn't. In fact, Australian researchers found that men who consumed a soy-rich diet had significantly lower testosterone levels than beef eaters.
And as for red meat's artery-clogging reputation, a study published in the Journal of the American College of Nutrition showed that eating lean beef can help to lower LDL cholesterol levels while increasing HDL levels.
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Barry ORegan
Burnaby, British Columbia, Canada
Recommendations (35)

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Most RecentMost Recommended Comments (17)
at 08:55 on September 1st, 2008
Barry Artiste, I like this story. It's good stuff.
Yes, that is what my old French Army MD always said, you can do and eat and drink or smoke what ever you want or not do it, you still have to die, just do it and do it in moderation and life is a bliss.
at 08:58 on September 1st, 2008
Thanks Paschen for the comments and flag, Moderation is the key in anything, any truth to the masturbating part for cows in the kobe beef craze?
at 09:06 on September 1st, 2008
Well, What ever I may say about that part would get me in certain trouble no matter what.
Lets leave it to the experts. I am familiar with Farming and AI and I do not think that either will have any negative effects what so ever.
at 10:55 on September 1st, 2008
Hey nothing you say negatively could take away from the highlarious comments here my friend.
at 09:23 on September 1st, 2008
Barry Artiste, surely deep frying the tofu must make it healthy.
at 10:51 on September 1st, 2008
Only if you use Lard, Dunk, Only if you use Lard, the way God intended cooking to be, look it up, I am sure it is in the bible somewhere!
at 09:25 on September 1st, 2008
Forget the tofu, don't need it if you live in New Jersy, and forget about substituting that nasty pine cone for one's much kinder and gentler gerbil !
Source: flixster.com
at 10:53 on September 1st, 2008
Hey Guys thanks so much for the hilarious comments and flags, as for New Jerseyittes, I hear Richard Gere has a affinity with Gerbils versus Pinecones.
at 13:53 on September 1st, 2008
Did not know about this, Barry ...
at 11:01 on September 1st, 2008
Barry Artiste, I like this story. It's good stuff. Leave it to our number one contributor to put soy beans and Masturbation one article. I guess both are natural. So you have gone green. You organic Canadian you!
at 11:36 on September 1st, 2008
Me Green, Perish the thought, I am pretty much anti Tofu, though my girlfriend is always sneaking it into my food. Imagine if you will if TOFU TOOK OVER THE WORLD during World War 11 and Even Today, I have posted two more photos of what a world would look like if they changed the gregory peck Movie Pork Chop Hill to Tofu Hill, of Course Homer Simpson Math Whiz that he is explains it perfectly in my other photo, why Tofu is the spawn of the devil, If god wanted us to EAT TOFU, he wouldnt have created tasty animals. That is all I have to say about that! And where the hell is Big T? Thanks for the comments and flag Al.
at 12:25 on September 1st, 2008
Barry Artiste, I like this story. It's good stuff.
I'm here! [string of expletives deleted by staff]
In America we are celebrating National Socialist Day (aka Labor Day) so I have some family over. I think everyone has beat the whole tofu eating, masturbating cow angle to death so I'm just going to ask one question: What kinds of cigars do you smoke?
Now I'm off to eat some cake (probably will kill me), drink some Coke (ditto), and smoke a cigar (ditto, but who cares).
at 16:46 on September 1st, 2008
Yeah, we get Socialist Day (Labour Day) the same day you guys get it, we have protests though by labour groups wanting the minimum wage to $10.00, course that would be great, except their would be massive unemployment and business bankruptcy, including McDonalds. But don't try telling that to Labour Wonks, unclear on the concept that when you do something drastic, consequences happen and they are usually not good. As for my Stogies, well I smoke Cristos or Cohibas Espléndidos from Havana Cuba, yeah they may be Commies, but they make a damn fine smoke. And I put it this way, someone has to smoke em, may as well be me and my buddies. Sometimes even when I pass through the US border on the way to Oregon to visit family, I'll light one up before the US Customs guys ask for ID, some ask if I could refrain from smoking for a minute, but most times with the older US Customs guys, it's "Hey is that a Cohiba?" to which I nod with a smile. The look on their face says it all, "Ya Lucky Canadian Bastard"!
at 14:54 on September 2nd, 2008
Barry Artiste, I like this story. It's good stuff.
Soy = estrogen. Now that explains a lot about the "men" who eat it. When they can make soy taste like rare prime rib roast I might give it a try. Until then I will leave it for the yoga instructing, crystal healing, VW bus driving, tree hugging, hackey sac playing, gay pride marching types.
at 17:51 on September 2nd, 2008
Don't forget the Kits Starbucks crowds. Thanks for the comments and flag EastVan
at 06:33 on July 24th, 2009
Very interesting. Moreover, other side effects of masturbating like hair growing on palms and blindness are also hoaxes, but there are certain ones that are true, when you go beyond the limit and pleasure yourself obsessively. And sadly, more of it applies to psychological aspects, making it hard to get over but not impossible.
at 07:18 on July 25th, 2009
But its soo much fun to hang out with the Palm Sisters