Ostrich: The New Age of Home & Personal Defense Weapons
With the onset of a global level recession progressing ever closer to a new age “Great Depression” we are bound to see a rise in crime. This is an undeniable fact that cannot be disputed. As sure as the sun will rise tomorrow morning, Crime rates are destined to rise at astounding rates. Personal safety and protection of property are concerns many of us struggle with daily. Home invasions and violent crimes are at an all time high, unparalleled by past trends. Scared, Paranoid, anxious? You should be. Worry no longer mankind, we the people of Ostrich Incorporated have the long awaited answer for your Personal and Home Protection needs.
Let’s talk facts for a moment shall we? In a post apocalyptic society do you think you can rely on batteries and a glorified alarm clock to protect your home and children? Do you think Brinks will run to your aid when the chips are down?! FUCK NO! Are you willing to wait precious minutes when a knife wielding psychopath is standing in your home and fast approaching?! What about when your home is assaulted by motherfucking ninja’s?! Think your extended tube on your shotgun can blow away an entire clan of fuckin’ ninjas, hell you better have a never ending magazine like Rambo then! What you need is an alpha predator to handle business and do work. Our product is 100% guaranteed to own the fuck out of shit. How is an Ostrich going to protect my family and property? That is a completely valid question. In order to best answer this question were going to fill you in on some well known facts about the common Ostrich.
The wild Ostrich is an omnivore reaching dimensions ranging from 7-9 foot tall, and a staggering 220 to 350 pounds of pure muscle, talons, and beak. The Ostrich has the largest eye of any land roaming animal measuring 2 inches across; making its lightning fast strikes deadly accurate! It is capable of reaching speeds up to 43 miles per hour and a single kick has proven fatal to humans as well as predators such as lions. THEY CAN KILL FUCKING LIONS! One Ostrich stride can cover a distance of 10-14 feet and take less than half a second. That’s pretty impressive, but how is an Ostrich going to protect me and my property? Excellent question! The Ostrich is a “herding” animal and one of the most territorial raptors in the animal kingdom. By bringing the Ostrich into your home and becoming part of it’s “herd” it takes up the natural role of “Protector” and will lay down it’s life for you and yours at the drop of a hat. Our Ostrich’s are trained by professional handlers from the day they reach adolescence and endure a rigorous regiment of Cardio, Kickboxing, and mixed martial arts by some of the top trainers in the world. They are bread to be stronger, faster, and basically fuck shit up harder than anything the world has ever seen.
This sounds expensive, how much is this bad ass fucking raptor going to cost me?! Would you put a price on the personal safety of you and your family?!We at Ostrich Incorporated know that times are tough. We are not here to swipe up your last crumb, were here to make sure your crumb stays safe! Yet another perk of Ostrich’s is the fact that they are ridiculously cheap to acquire. And at no cost to you our training regiment has been streamlined to be the most cost effective process of any out in the modern market. For the low one time price of $999.99 you will receive the most effective personal defense weapon known to man! That sounds incredible; does my one time payment come with any extras? Our product comes with more extras then you can shake a criminal’s severed limb at! Not only will you gain possession of this terrifying raptor, but you will also receive a set of ginsu talon extenders that fit snugly on to the end of your raptors existing claws increasing the length and fucking deadliness by 500%!!! You will also be awarded with 5 injections of our chemically engineered growth hormone to make your bird of death the biggest, baddest, motherfucker on the block. With our introductory offer we are also throwing in a set of “his” and “hers” embroidered bath towels while supplies last! WOW!!! I’m pretty much sold on the concept. But what about the legalities of this awesome protection? What if my sick ass raptor of death kills a bitch, can I be sued?!
NOT AT ALL!!! We have all heard horror stories of citizens being sued in civil court by criminals who were shot or harmed while breaking into said citizens home. With our trademarked “Beware of Ostrich” signs posted you are in the clear my friend. Coupled with the fact that there is a 0.0002 percent chance that the perpetrator even survives the ordeal, a dead criminal can’t sue! I’M SOLD! Is there anything else I should know about my new instrument of death?! YES! In the event that the odds are stacked against you your newfound protector doubles as a getaway vehicle. Break the fuck out and hang on tight as your bird of pray sprints at speeds of 35-40 miles per hour with you on board! Even in the tightest of situations, having an escape should always be a plan B! Not yet convinced? Would you like a live demonstration of the raw fucking power of our product?! For more information or a schedule for a live demonstration in your area contact myself at Encryptedwun@yahoo.com All orders will be processed same day and a handler will arrive within 7 business days to introduce you to your new companion as well as teach you audible commands for Kill, Maim, Flee, Rape, and Completely Mother Fucking Destroy directives! Don’t delay, send that email today! Live operators are standing by!
*Ostrich incorporated is not responsible for heart attacks related to discovering how fucking awesome your new pet is. Blood stained carpets and/or drapes. Disposal of corpses, Ostrich rape claims or untimely deaths. Once procuring your Ostrich you claim full responsibility for its completely gangsta ass behavior and or overly awesome deeds of vengeful justice.