Republican Bobble-Heads: Daddy, Is News Like Cartoons for Adults?
Update: For a complete list of cartoon charachters who were NOT used in this story, but should have been, please go to the end of the story. After reading the story of course. But then, you knew that!)
So I'm eating my chilli and cutting glances at the news, and there the newscaster is trying to do a story, and some old goat who looks like a thin gray Lurch sticks his head in the frame, says something without smiling, and tries to intimidate the news guy into leaving.
It doesn't work. Then a woman cuts in and calls the newscaster rude for being there. Then it shows another newscaster having the same problem on another news network... with some big oldtimer looking like a senile gray Hulk eyeballing/ menacing the newscaster, but not saying nothing.
And just as they are all bobbing their heads in and out of the picture, my daughter walks by, looks at it, and said, "Daddy, I have a question?"
I say, "What is it, honey?"
And she says, I swear, "Is news like cartoons for adults?"
I looked at her in amazement. Talk about truth from the mouth of babes!
Keep in mind that my daughter has been very protected against adult stupidity. Only now, at thirteen, is she being able to watch a little bit of television other than cartoons.
The only thing she knows for certain about politics for example, is that George W. Bush was a complete *%*%^#*! And she knows that because I say those things about him every time I see his thankfully no longer President image on the screen.
(I don't really curse him in front of her, but I would like too.)
So as you can imagine, she only gets to see the news when she passes by and catches glimpses and earfuls of it.
She had just passed by and saw the bobble head stuff, when she decided to ask her question.
And I thought about it for a moment, and the unintentional comedy the heads were providing right that moment, and some of the people I have seen holding up witch doctor signs at marches, and Glenn Beck just being himself, and then I answered her saying,
"Yes, I guess it is."
It didn't used to be... but man is it ever now.
Cause think about it: there is little Jimmy Neutron Chris Wallace trying to be as his smart as his dad was, and failing miserably. Forget about making a rocket ship to the moon, he can't even get an interview with the prez.
And if Glen Beck is not the spitting image of one of the three Stooge, not Moe or Larry, but Curly, the stupidest of the trio, I don't know who is. Just add some hair to the stooge or take away some from Beck, and there you have it. He's a one man Three Stooges! Saves the network money that way. Three complete dumb***es for the price of one!
Then you've got that Wiley T. Coyote Obama, always chasing that public option Road Runner, but never quite catching it. (No wonder Barry can't catch it. - Every special interest in the country is feeding the roadrunner millions of dollars worth of steroid lies so it will always be able to stay just out of reach!
And there's Foghorn Leghorn Wilson saying to the President, "I say, I say, I say, boy... Are you lying to me? Are you lying? Are you Lying to me?"
Then there's Tweetie Bird Ann Coulter always way smarter than Sylvester the Cat Jackson. (Come on Sylvester, grab those feathers out by the blonde roots and make her squawk the truth! She is secretly Natasha from Rocky and Bulwinkle, gone over to the even darker side.
How about Pepe Le Pew Edwards... smelling like a skunk after promising the Brazilian woman the Dave Mathews Band... wo, wait a minute, that was somebody else. A Republican I believe.
Then there's Betty Boop Palin, Big head and all, shaking her money maker and trying to rake in all the dough now, couldn't wait til 2012 like a normal greedy politician.
(In the interest of clarity, and to avoid a lawsuit, please note that the reference to her money maker meant her mouth, as in giving speeches, and offering the pleasure (?) of her verbal company on ebay to the highest bidder. No other money maker was implied or suggested, and the opinion of this writer is not necessarily the opinion of the people who run this site.)
Then you've got Veronica Huffington and Archie Biden and HillaryBetty and her husband Bill Jughead.
(In the further interest of clarity, any resemblance between the former president and a preference of or for any sort of jug or jugs, is implicitly denied by this author. The fact that the word Jughead was chosen for him, implies nothing about his personal tastes. Besides, we all know Jughead likes a good burger, and nothing else.)
Finally, there is Yogi Bear McCain and his short sidekick Boo Boo (Rush Limbaugh), always trying to cover his big buddie's mistakes, like when Yogi picked a cartoon Barbie to run with him for the second most important office in the United States of Jellystone Park.
Fortunately in cartoons (and sometimes in real life), there is usually one person with a little sense.
In this last election it was the Park Ranger, who job it usually is to make Yogi Mcain put the cookies he steals back in the van.
In this election though, the Ranger, the majority of the American people, (Thank God), made Yogi Bear McCain put the Presidency back into the hands of someone who deserved it.
Unlike when llittle Sponge Bob Bush ran the nation into the bottom of the sea, kept it submerged for eight years, and nearly drowned us all.
Thank God, for Cartoon Network, and for one man one vote. Now all the looney toons seem to be congregating in one area, Fox Cartoon News Land.
And we don't have to go there if we don't want to... except to laugh.
Oh, by the way Wallace, my daughter informs me Jimmy Neutron has been cancelled. You'll have to come live in the real world now, and not get by on your daddy's name.
You, too, Mighty Mouse Bush. Oops. My bad. You did get over on us. Not only did you never have to work a day in your life previous to being elected, now you won't have to after lame ducking the country into catastrophe.
(In the further interest of further clarity, let it be known that Bush also had a second secret identity as runt sidekick Boy George Robin to Bat (as in crazy as a bat) CheneyMan. "Jeepers, CheneyMan!" said little Georgie W., "What do we do now?!!)
"We *@#*$#'em," said the caped far right avenger, "We *&#$*&'em ALL!"
But it didn't work. Now it's
"Hey, Scooby Dooby Do! See if you can help us Republicans find a new Ronald Reagenstein!"
You see, they need somebody they can lay on the operating table and hope lightning strikes.
Some kind of monster that will raise the terror alerts right before the 2010 electons.
And unfortunately, until then all the Elmer Fudds and their loaded shotguns...
will be dwinkin tea and tywing to nab that pesky Pwesidential wabbit Barrack O'Bunny.
Thank God their aim and intelligence is the same as Mr. Magoo's.
Come on Mr. Coyoteedent, Catch that Public Opition.
Update: There is a top secret video being witheld from the public... showing that the President has in fact caught and eaten the public option roadrunner.
It will be released at the appropriate time:
Until then, check Fox News for ucontinuous updates on Bobbing Heads and the invisible million man tea party protests.
Update: The following is a list of cartoon charachters who were not used in the making of this opinion, but which should have been. Please note that the reputations of any cartoon charachters which were used in the story, were not permanently damaged by their association with real political idiots.
Bill Clinton - The Flash. (No explanation necessary) Mickey Mouse (Playing that saxophone, all the way to the white house.) Captain Munch, I mean, uh, Crunch. (No explanation necessary) Dennis the Menace (Don't let him hang around your house, Mr. Wilson!)
Hillary Clinton - Minnie Mouse (Will never be as popular as Micky). And Lucy (Way Smarter than Charlie Brown or her husband Bill, but will never be President anyway.)
John McCain - Charlie Brown, Elmer Fudd. Popeye. Winnie the Pooh. Fred Flintstone, Barney Rubble. Barney Fife. And of course, Richie Rich and Uncle Scrooge.(A cross between all of these)
Sarah Palin - Bullwinkle. (Think about it) McCain sent his best aide,Rocky the Flying Squirrel to magically swirl around her and try to get her ready... but it was hopeless. There was too much empty space in her head to fill. Then after it was all over and the expensive clothes were removed, they found she was still a Pit Bull who then started biting John on the ass:)
Joe Wilson - Homer Simpson (Wants to be rich and famous and powerful, but doesn't have a clue.) Plus... Goofy, just add the long ears. (Imagine what the kids would be like if he married Sara Palin!)
Rush Limbaugh - Porkie Pig (Bidih Bidih That's all Folks!) Bluto. (Powerful and dumb) Daffy Duck, Senior (Father to Glenn Beck) Papa Smurf.
Ann Coulter - Olive Oyle (But blonde). Plus Hagar the Horrible (with breasts).
John Edwards - Roger Rabbit. (Eyes bugging out when he sees that mistress!) Plus Peter Pan (I'll never get caught! I'll never get caught!) Plus Tony The Tiger (I'm GRRRRREAT!) and finally, Casper the Friendly Toast (His chances are over... or will he rise from the dead with his latest apology?)
Glenn Beck - Daffy Duck, Jr. (Son of daffy Duck Senior, Ruch Limbaugh) Baby Smurf.
Dick Cheney - Spiderman (Building a web with lies that come out his butt and trap all America in a long lasting Iraqi war.)
Huckabee - Lil Abner. (Aw shucks, Daisy Mae!)
George W. Bush - Huckleberry Hound (with too big boots and six shooters on and a too big cowboy hat) (Daddy gave it all to him for Christmas, eight years ago.)
And last but not least...
Our President... Dilbert Dudley DoRight.
Or as known to the right, Boris Badenov, communist, socialist, nazi infiltrator from Muslim land..
Who right now is acting like Dagwood Bumstead, running out the door trying to get to the Public Option on time, and running right into the huge, well funded Republican "No" Machine... with the truth in his briefcase sent scattering in all directions.Stay tuned! Can he Transform(er) this situation?!!!!
Get up Dagwood, you've got to get to the carpool and convince them to vote for it. Otherwise, GOP Chairman Mr. Dithers is going to have your butt in 2012!
And Blondie will run off with another man.
One who doesn't need the public option.