Satire: "A Children's Book Author Reviews the Canadian Prime Ministerial Candidates"
*Note: there isn't a Satire category, so Opinion will have to do.
Stephen Harper (Conservative Party, current Prime Minister)
Stephen loves kittens. So does his wife, Laureen, and the rest of his family. In fact, Stephen’s family has adopted two foster kittens with mild behavioral and health problems. Stephen doesn’t mind when his new furry love things get into the trash and spend the entire night throwing up coffee grounds onto the kitchen floor. Stephen's pretty kosher with cleaning up cat throw up.
Sometimes, Stephen brings his fluffy wuffies into work. Commander Wuffy stands gaurd on Stephen's work desk while Princess Laureen sleeps peacefully in Stephen's arms. Sometimes the princess kicks in her sleep. Stephen thinks she’s dreaming of chasing mice or slamming her boot heel onto her left-of-centre opponents. Stephen just loves it.
At night, the kittens curl up beside Stephen on his oversized leather lazy boy. Stephen reads to them from Memoirs: 1939-1993. He always gives the characters different voices. The kittens love this. After story time, the Commander and Princess roll over and Stephen rubs their bellies until they fall asleep. “They’re just like people!” says Stephen.
Stéphane Dion (Liberal Party)
Unlike Stephen, Stéphane isn’t a cat person. Instead, he keeps important emails on his desk:
- 7 ways to reject pick-up lines from Kim Campbell
- 30 fun things to do while orating
- 100 ways to ensure that you won’t get laid, even though you’re the leader of a national opposition party
Like Stephen, Stéphane, loves animals, although he prefers the subservient, unquestioning love of his black lab, Tooters. Stéphane especially likes when Tooters licks the sock-stuff from between his toes at work. He likes it when it tickles. Stéphane doesn’t care that his work friends hate the smell of wet feet, or that he appears meek to the majority of left-wing Canadians. With Tooters at his side, and a fresh pair of socks in his drawer, Stéphane feels like he’s the king of the world. So does Tooters.
Jack Layton (New Democrat Party)
Do you like to share? Jack does. He doesn't have a pet of his own. Instead, Jack and his 30-something urban professional friends share pets. This used to be called weird, but now it's considered a responsible environmental decision. Jack loves making decisions!
The only thing Jack loves more is his co-op goldfish. Jack can ignore his fish for long periods of time while he addresses more important issues, like Stephen Harper and Stéphane Dion. Sometimes Jack forgets to share food with his fish and they die, but Jack doesn't mind. He can always share another dog, or cat, or something.
Elizabeth May (Green Party)
Elizabeth loves the environment. She loves it so much that she refuses to have a real pet. She says that when animals poop, they release toxic gases into the air. Isn't she silly? Instead, Elizabeth has a pet rock. It's name is Granite.
Elizabeth takes Granite with here everywhere. Sometimes she rides around on her bicycle with Granite inside her front basket. Sometimes they hand out flyers made out of reclaimed elephant dung with messages about the environment on them. Sometimes she ties special, hand written messages to Granite and throws him through the bedroom windows of oil-executives. Do you know what carbon neutral means? “Probably not,” thinks Elizabeth.