Sex-slave Jaycee Lee Dugard diary passages revealed in court.

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Jaycee during happier times. Kidnapper Phillip Garrido in jail.

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uploaded by Sabina Rabinovich

A diary kept by Jaycee Lee Dugard offers a window into the conflicting emotions she felt towards the man accused of holding her prisoner.

During the 18 years in which Phillip Garrido allegedly made Dugard his sex slave, she chronicled an emotional roller coaster on which she oscillated from longing for freedom -- and protective of her captor.

"It feels like I'm sinking. ... this is supposed to be my life to do with what I like ... but once again he has taken it away,” Dugard wrote in an entry dated July 5, 2004.

"How many times is he allowed to take it away from me?" she wrote. "I am afraid he doesn't see how the things he says makes me a prisoner."

In another entry, dated several years after Dugard was abducted, she wrote "I got (a cat) for my birthday from Phil and Nancy ... they did something for me that no one else would do for me, they paid 200 dollars just so I could have my own kitten."

A decade later, Dugard wrote of her desire to be free -- and her fear of wounding Garrido.

"I don't want to hurt him ... sometimes I think my very presence hurts him," she wrote. "So how can I ever tell him how I want to be free. Free to come and go as I please ... Free to say I have a family. I will never cause him pain if it's in my power to prevent it. FREE."