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Tough love 'is good for children'

by generaldecay | November 8, 2009 at 01:10 am

155 views | 24 Recommendations | 8 comments

Children brought up according to "tough love" principles are more successful in life, according to a study. The think tank Demos says a balance of warmth and discipline improved social skills more than an laissez-faire, authoritarian or disengaged upbringing.

We were talking about child-rearing (particularly smacking) in my office the other day. I got the odd smack from my parents when I was a child and bold, and it didn't do me any harm at all. Now, I'm not an advocate of smacking, per se, because smacking is something that can lead to beating all too easily, and it is not always used in a constructive manner. It was in my home - and I always learned from it - but it's not in many others.

Now, this new study suggests that 'tough love' is actually good for children. Here's why:

According to the report, qualities such as application, self-regulation and empathy were more likely to be developed in children whose parents employed a "tough love" approach. It found that these qualities made "a vital contribution to life chances, mobility and opportunity". The report said these characteristics were profoundly shaped in pre-school years.

The piece goes on to say that although socio-economics are a factor in developing these 'key characteristics', the effect of socio-economic circumstances is much reduced when parental styles and parental confidence are considered.

The Building Character report analysed data from more than 9,000 households in the UK. It found that children from the richest backgrounds were more than twice as likely to develop the key characteristics compared to those with the poorest origins. Additionally, children whose parents were married were twice as likely to show such traits than children from lone parent or step-parented families, the report said. But it added that when parental style and confidence were factored in, the difference in child character development between richer and poorer families disappeared. The report concluded that this indicated that parenting was the most important influence - and the same result occurred when the family structure factor was analysed.

(Although in the next sentence it remarks that parental education is important, so it seems that socio-economic factors cannot be discounted after all.)

For me it emphasises questions that are prevalent in debates about child-rearing today: that of 'self-esteem vs. discipline'. Many sociologists and psychologists are arguing currently that maintaining a child's sense of self-esteem and self-worth is more important that ensuring that they are disciplined. The findings from this research may give this debate a new slant.

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Paschen

at 01:25 on November 8th, 2009

My Grand Father was one of those tough love people, he demanded much form us and expected us to always do our very best. At the same time he did love us very much and we knew that and we did respect him and loved him for it.

He tough me several things to keep in mind with my own children as they where still children. "Never hit a child in anger or frustration and never hit the head when disciplining is needed."

I did discipline my kids twice in there childhood, Once because they lied and once because they harmed another child. They know to this day that the worth thing they could do is lye or harm some one. The rest is forgivable.

generaldecay

at 01:45 on November 8th, 2009

See, that's the key, Paschen. You used discipline in a constructive and loving way, and never in anger.

Thank you for the recommendation and comment.

albertacowpoke

at 03:42 on November 8th, 2009

I grew up in a strict household and was discipline on occasion when I crossed the line of good behaviour. I agree with Pashen that as long as it's not done in anger it is effective.

It has to be done swiftly and not hours after the incident occurred.

Having worked with dogs and horses for a good part of my life, the same is true there.

generaldecay

at 03:49 on November 8th, 2009

Hey, ACP. We could learn a lot from work with animals, for sure. And I, too, agree with Paschen.

Thanks for the recommendation and comment.

Hugh Askew

at 06:04 on November 8th, 2009

Interesting. Dr James Dobson, the evangelical Christian counselor and author, has been advocating the 'tough love' approach for many, many years. He focused on marriage and family relationships in his book on the subject, but takes a similar approach to child rearing.

PIM of SPAIN

at 12:29 on November 8th, 2009

From which angle it is viewed, discipline is or was the foundation of our civilization, and without reprimands or an occasional smack or similar discipline cannot be enforced. That's what our present society lacks, there is no discipline because bad behavior is tolerated and cannot be punished. When I was in military service for my number after having finished my studies, the first thing that was taught maintaining discipline under all circumstances, which was enforced up on by severe punishment. Today qualified being unacceptable in those days the order of the day. None of us became frustrated or mentally damaged. Our society would be much better off if the clock was turned back in that respect.

Roy C

at 12:44 on November 8th, 2009

The women here have not chimed in on this discussion at all, though many do, in fact, approve of tough love. Males respond to this better. All the failed neighborhoods of the US are the ones without fathers in sufficient numbers.

That line is hard to demarcate but when we are too tough or not tough enough is a judgment call. There are no absolute guidelines.

Today's world has the authoritarian anti-authoritarians undermining authority itself. That is why no one removed the Muslim major from his post, despite many very transparent warnings.

PIM of SPAIN

at 13:02 on November 8th, 2009

Getting tougher through discipline is the only sensible way forward and selects the weak from the strong minded people and certainly avoid surprises as happened a few days ago in Texas as Roy correctly mentioned and phrased with "the authoritarian anti-authoritarians undermining authority itself."