What Republican candidates are really saying

Hello, my name is John Smith, and I am your Republican candidate for Congress.

Like many ordinary Americans, I am concerned about the direction that this country has taken. I believe that the federal debt and government spending are out of control. I promise to rein in the out-of-control government spending and cut down the federal debt. My first step toward that is cutting taxes on highest incomes and vastly increasing spending for the military, by far the government's biggest and most inefficient bureaucracy that buys $600 toilets and throws away perfectly good tools after a week in use. I am going to blame the out-of-control government spending on the Democrats even though I know that the federal budget was $1.8 trillion a year at the end of the Clinton Administration and $2.9 trillion a year at the end of that of Bush. I am going to blame the debt on the Democrats even though I know that the debt was $1 trillion at the end of Carter administration, $3 trillion at the end of Reagan, $4.5 trillion at the end of Bush Sr., and grew by $6 trillion under Bush Jr., the majority of that time with Republican Congress. 

I believe that the government no longer reflects the values of American people. It has been taken over by leftist radicals who do such terrible things as recognize the reality of global warming and seek to develop high-technology high-intelligence high-progress clean energy solutions that will allow people to have everything that they have now and more, while minimizing damage to the planet. This sort of action is un-American. When I am elected, I promise to restore the monopoly of Texas Oil and force everyone's economic dependence on Texas Oil. I do not want the government to run your life. I want Texas Oil to run your life and those of your children and your compatriots.

I intend to protect American people's freedom from the government. I will do so by making the government force everyone to live the same lifestyle, act the same way, and practice the same interpretation of the same faith. I believe that religious freedom is central to this great country, which is why I will outlaw every lifestyle that is not in accordance with Christian fundamentalism, destroy every culture that does not practice it, and defund every educational institution whose teachings question it in any way.

Like you, I believe in family. I believe that family values means hoping for an end of the world before the children being born now have learned how to read and standing in the way of any solution that will allow it to last longer. I believe that family values means beating one's wife and molesting one's children, and that being good to one's wife and one's children is sissie, ungodly, commie, and un-American. I lead by example. I beat my wife with a belt every day and put her in a hospital if I find a dust speck on the floor. I got a black kid put away for rape when my teenage daughter had consensual sex with him. I promise to bring back the KKK, to teach men to beat their wives better, to execute single mothers and homosexuals, and to make the world so uninhabitable that children being born now also become true Christians and hope for an Armageddon in their lifetime as an end to their misery.

I believe that nuclear family is the only way to create healthy and functional citizens. For this reason I find it unconscionable that a man raised by a single mother could have become successful enough to be elected President of the United States. That such a thing was even possible just shows how far from the intent of the founders the evil politically correct liberals have taken America. I will return America to its roots, so that everyone raised by a single mother has no future and is universally treated like trash.

I believe in the sanctity of life. For this reason I intend to send hundreds of thousands of your sons and daughters to kill millions of civilians, many of them children, all around the planet. I believe in protecting the unborn and sending the born to kill other born and be killed by them in return. Fetuses deserve to have more rights than people who live outside somebody else's body. I will make sure that your fetuses are protected, and that your sons and daughters are sent to kill and die.

I believe that your rights come, not from the government, but from God, which is why the universally Christian medieval Europe, universally Christian English and Spanish monarchies, and universally Christian tsarist Russia, were such free and happy countries. I will fight for your right to bear arms - a right that like all other rights was given to you by God, since God invented gunpowder, and anyone who says that Chinese did is a godless secular humanist or a politically correct traitor. But most importantly of all, I will make sure that you have the freedom to live by the Bible, and nobody else has the freedom not to live by the Bible. I will imprison or find ways to ruin everyone who does not pledge allegiance to Pat Robertson and Texas Oil.

I believe that the government is parasitical on America. I think that government-financed scientists are socially retarded commie nerds who use taxpayer money to serve Satan, even as my whole lifestyle owes to science everything from my car to my air-conditioned house to my big-screen TV. I think that the government has done nothing of merit as I use government-built roads and Interstate daily and am using government Internet to distribute my propaganda. 

Like many reasonable Americans, I believe that Barack Obama is Hitler and Alex Jones isn't. Like many reasonable Americans, I believe that the world is run by a Satanic New World Order conspiracy that involves business, government, Hollywood, science, and everyone else except true American patriots who place Confederate flags on the back of their pickup trucks, encourage electoral fraud and corruption, and want to shoot America's legitimately elected leaders. Like many big responsible macho Americans, I blame everything wrong in my life and yours on the godless liberals in the West Coast and the North, including the mess in which the Texas Republican Christian evangelical Bush administration has left America after eight years in power, six of them with Republican Congress.

Like you, I hate the government. That is why I want to become part of the government. Like you, I hate the Washington establishment. That is why I want to become part of the Washington establishment. Like you, I hate government activism. I promise that when I am in Washington, at taxpayer expense, I will do absolutely nothing.

I believe that the Democratic Party has destroyed America's greatness. I say this even as I know that the Democrat-inititated, Democrat-staffed computer industry was the true engine of 1980s and 1990s prosperity; that America's greatest military victories are owed to Democrats Woodrow Wilson and Franklin Roosevelt; that Democrats do such thankless low-paying tasks as educating youth and rooting out corruption; that America's greatest peacetime prosperity and greatest wartime prosperity were under Democratic administrations of, respectively, Clinton and Roosevelt; and that vastly Democratic science is the true source of all products that business sells.

I likewise know that your weekend, your humane working conditions, and many other things that you take for granted, are owed to unions, feminists and liberals. I also know that America became the greatest country in the world in early 20th century, the Progressive Era. Yet I maintain that America's greatness was before there was such a thing as progressivism - in 19th century, when England was the greatest nation in the world. I want to bring back America before the unions, before feminism, before liberalism. I want to see you working 16-hour-days in horrible working conditions and get shot if you complain.

I believe that America is the greatest country the world has ever known. Which is why I want to return it to what it was in 19th century, before it became the world's greatest country. I am a true American patriot who wants to see America shrivel, as it did under Bush Jr. and as I want to ensure that it continues to do.

As a Christian like you, I place no stake in scientific fact and believe that what we are facing now is not a solvable manmade crisis but a God-ordained end of the world. I want to help you get there sooner, hopefully during my term in power. Vote for me and have yourself and your family a wonderful Armageddon.

My name is John Smith, and I approve this message.